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Imani

FEBRUARY 2010

“Am I really who I say that I am as an MCC PAD and can I be?”

Through faith I sought ordination in MCC. I had grown weary with the sermons preached by non-Caribbean ministers at my local Assemblies of God, which undervalued or excluded my culture, class, gender, sexual orientation and ethnicity. I saw this short-changing of Christ’s gospel as preaching to some of the people and not all of the people. Given a copy of Troy’s autobiography by a discerning new friend, whose intersexuality was a significant catalyst for my decision (who includes folk who are male and female in their sermons?) I contacted MCC HQ and found that there were congregations in the U.K. Consequently I left my family in Jamaica and returned to England, responding to an invitation to train at a welcoming congregation on the South Coast.

Having previously lived in multicultural cities and after fifteen years in the Caribbean I was totally unprepared for the exclusively European nature of the town, church and MCC U.K. I had been away for so long that it never occurred to me that I would be returning to a monocultural, anglo-catholic environment, in which I would feel alone, consoled by an equally ‘alone’ person in transition. This sense of marginality has been an ongoing theme in my journey with MCC UK particularly as many of the administrative processes and structures at that time, presupposed I was a person of European descent. The unwillingness at an organisational level, to recognise and accommodate my ‘difference’ was overwhelming to the point, I nearly left after the first year. It was a very painful period in my life where I questioned God on the sensibility of continuing my journey with MCC, particularly as studying “white” theology in a monocultural environment would not equip me for a multicultural ministry. My subsequent enrolment in non-MCC courses in a multicultural city and the discovery of British Black theology was a God-send. A different journey began that transformed my theology and enabled resolution to spiritual conflicts on our place as people of the African diaspora, within westernised Christianity. The discovery of MCC PAD was inspirational. The knowledge of a global black LGBTI community for me, enabled my continuation with MCC and despite being saddened by the racism at my Clergy Intensive, I became the first person of African descent to be ordained in the history of MCC U.K. in November, 2004.

There have been many intersections with my valued MCC experiences and my unfolding spiritual journey as a person of African descent. I continue to appreciate truly, the love of MCC PAD and the support of MCC HQ. The interest in my wellbeing, shown by our Elder, Diane and our Cluster Team Leader, Kieren, is unprecedented and my recent membership of MCC East London with our Puerto Rican minister, Margarita, is an answer to prayer. Nevertheless, they are separate journeys and whilst I continue with both, I must prioritise. As an English Jamaican I will continue my ministerial vision by contributing to our affirmation as black LGBTI people of faith and our experiences as post-colonial people, here in the U.K and in Jamaica. I am constantly fortified by the ‘Sounds of Blackness’ song - I’m Going all the Way. Yes “Faith is the key…To unlock the Door” At times, I did not understand where God was leading me, yet through the tears, I knew I was where God wanted me to be. I am constantly reminded of my life text - Habakkuk 3:19

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; S/He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk, not to stand still in terror, but to walk and make spiritual progress upon my high places of trouble, suffering or responsibility! Amplified Bible. Edited.

Over the years, I have learnt not to rely on my own understanding but to trust the benevolence of All Who Is Divine. I know She is Wonderful, Awesome and the Sustainer of my life – so of whom or what, should I ever be afraid?

Rev. Caroline Redfearn (retired) England, U.K.
revcaroline@blackpeoplesministries.com